Family - #401 - #05 - What’s a “marriage”?.... (Mr. and Mrs. say “I do”

What’s a “value system”?.... (Marry your values!)

These two subjects are intertwined!….. One should not exist without the other!!

“Marriage” (a “legal marriage” with a “legal” certificate, et al) could be:

1. The “public” acknowledgement of a legal arrangement called “marriage”. It is the desire of two people to state publicly that they have chosen each other, in the light of all, to be legally “married”.
2. Could be that “they” have a “mutual understanding” of what each expects from the state of “marriage”. You see, this definition includes a “mutual understanding”. Words and ideas should have been exchanged. Both parties should have taken the time, to the best of “their” ability, to define, to communicate, to share and exchange views as to what each would like to expect of the other. This is not so simple; but, “Is there a successful alternative”?
3. Could be that they share a mutual experience of communication and understanding “BEFORE” they agree to exchange legal vows.
4. But what of the future? What about the unknown? What about the experiences that neither have shared before? How do you successfully discuss these? The experience of sharing and discussing the things that you, both, know now should be an indication of how you approach the future unknown circumstances. Can you talk to each other? Can you successfully communicate? Are you successful in “understanding” each other? Can you successfully “disagree”? Can you successfully “work out” differences?
5. Are you ready, now, to become legally “married”?

But there is another way!

Suppose you just get “married” and hope things “will turn out”? It could be successful, or, it could be a failure. You could find out that there are meaningful and important differences that you, seemingly, can’t “work out”? What’s the price to you? Not necessarily money, but how about your own feelings? Is this step too important or too “valuable” to you to take a chance?
What’s your “value system”!!!
What’s a “value system”? …What decides the “value” you place on things? … When do you get a “value system”? … Does your value system change? … What good is a “value system” if it changes?

Let’s start at a definition………

A personal “value system” is:

1. A series of ideas that you, yourself, understand. They have been articulated to yourself in such a way that you feel you understand what you mean!
2. Each idea has a priority …a “value”.
3. Each idea has a position of order in your “value system”.
4. You have chosen your most “valuable”.
5. You have decided that there are “values” you must have … “ can’t live without” values.
6. You have also decided on what you might “sacrifice” and what’s not so important but would be “nice” to have.
That’s a “value system”. But, it too should change as you become more aware of yourself …as you get to know more about yourself … as more experiences enter your life. But you should start somewhere! Having not thought about a “value system”, having overlooked the necessity of one, may leave you vulnerable to all types of disappointments and misunderstandings. But, you might get “lucky”! Want to take the chance?
It’s the “value system” that helps direct your choices, your ideas of morals, of ethics, of your conduct in society. What would you expect from someone who has little or no “value system”? You will probably have a two legged, human animal who lives on “reflexes” … no logic, no reason, just reflexes! Would you expect much “sharing” (which requires an understanding of another … or, just the plain capacity to “understand”) Would you expect much “reasoned thought”? Where would the choice of “something important” come from? From where would the “value” of “important” come? Is it a matter of just “pure reflex”! … important or useless, now …. in this moment … no thought, no logic, just “reflex”!
Sounds pretty dangerous to me!

So what has this to do with “marriage” … legal, certified “marriage … successful “marriage”?
How are you going to give yourselves the best “odds” on having a lasting and “mutually valuable” married experience? How can you best achieve this goal? Are the “odds’ in your favor if each of you don’t have a “value system” to exchange and discuss? Suppose you can’t talk about it? Suppose your communication skills are weak? Suppose, suppose …!! … How good do you think your chances are?
But then again…Let’s take a chance!! …Who knows? Everything might “work out” just fine! It’s a choice you always have. Are the odds in your favor?
Once each of you know and agree on what you expect from each other, the odds are more in your favor. Not everyone wants or needs to expect the same thing from this experience. As long as you both understand and agree on what to expect, the odds are very much in your favor.

But “marriage” doesn’t bring something to each other, it merely confirms what you both already feel!!

I hope you had a friend first. Then, you decided to publicly “confirm” this special relationship!!